A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and
the only one available was wildlife Zoology.
After one week, the test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of a paper,
divided it into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of
a bird's legs. No body, no feet, just legs. They [students] were asked
to identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the
test getting angrier every minute.
Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on
the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test i have ever given."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have flunked the test.
What's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said:
"You tell me..."
A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and
1. Name of Candidate: ____________________________ [Real name only]
2. Present Address:
Name of Jail : ________________________________
Cell Number: ________________________________
(If not in Jail, attach proof of illegally occupied residence)
3. Political Party: _______________________________ (List ONLY the Last Five Parties in chronological Order)
4. Sex: [ ]
5. Nationality: [ ]
(If Indian, attach attested copy of ration card, police certificate, passport, birth certificate, electricity bill, phone bill and local goondas NOC.
If Non-Indian, just check box A)
6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
D.None of above
E.All of above
7 . Reasons for contesting election (circle one or more)
A.To make money
B.To escape court trial
C.To grossly misuse power
D.To serve the public
E.I have no clue
(If you choose ‘D’, then attach certificate of sanity from a recognized government PSYCHIATRIST)
8. How many years of public service experience do you possess? [ ]
9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you..
(use as many additional sheets as you want)
10. How many years have you spent in jail? (Do not confuse with Question 8)
11. Are you involved in any financial scams?
D.I deny it all
E.See a foreign hand
12. What is your Annual CORRUPTION Income?
(Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc. to Rupees)
13. Do you have any developmental plans for the country in mind?
14 . Describe your achievements in the space provided in brackets :
[ ] !!!!!!!
Thumb Impression of the Candidate:
MERA BHARAT MAHAAN
Contributed by Abhijeeth
by raghu at 12/19/2006
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
by raghu at 12/16/2006
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against
the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to Raghu and said, "Do you want to go to
Raghu said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?!"
Raghu said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now!"
by raghu at 11/29/2006
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes,I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
by raghu at 11/25/2006
When TITANIC was sinking, a man asked Sardarji, as to how far was LAND...?
Sardar : 2kms....
The man jumped into the sea & asked, " Which way?"
Sardar : DOWNWARDS. . . !!
A friend to sardar,
Friend : I tried your number so many times, but it said, 'Switched off'
Sardar : No.. Its my dialer tone!
Sardar 1 : Is HARBHAJAN Singh male or female ?
Sardar 2 : Female.
Sardar 1 : How ?
Sardar 2 : Just now a commentator said, "A wonderful delivery by HARBHAJAN !
bikari : 50 paise de de ,maine 3 din se khana nahi khaya baba
marvadi : 50 paise nahi 5 rupaye dunga,pehle yeh bata 50 paise mein khana kaha milta hai..."?
I've been arrested for being the ugliest person in Britain, can you come down the police station and show them it's a mistake?
Hi i am dying to see u,
i want to talk to you seriously,
but I can't get to you,
This stupid gatekeeper is asking me for a ticket to enter the zoo!
Hey can u do me a favour?
take a pic of yourself and send it to me.
i'm playin cards and i'm missin the joker!!
Rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers are few of them. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?
Sometimes in life you get messages which you don't understand as to why they were sent or why the hell are you reading them. This is just one of them !
A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"
Then the lady pulled out a picture of her husband having dinner in a restaurant with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now... You didn't tell me you had a prescription"
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
by raghu at 11/07/2006
Boss, to an employee :
Integrity and wisdom are essential to success in every business. By integrity, i mean that when you promise a customer something, you must keep that promise, even if you loose money
"And what is wisdom?", asked the employee.
The boss says, "Don't you ever make such foolish promises!"
by raghu at 11/07/2006
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone in the room start listening.
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …..the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?”
by raghu at 11/03/2006
If you don't have a Girl /Boy Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
Boozers And Capers' Stop
One good way to reduce alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
Mediocre but pretty
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
by raghu at 10/27/2006
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
by raghu at 10/27/2006
An old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is a man selling tickets for plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per head. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know that we can't spend money like that, and $10 is always $10 to us." So Stumpy goes without any joyousness. They return to the place every year, and the same thing happens, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just want to have a ride in that airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy slumps down.
The pilot who stands near by overhears the conversation.
The pilot steps in, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help hearing your pathetic situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without uttering a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give it for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. Yet there's no sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to you. You didn't make even the slightest sound even to my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
by raghu at 10/26/2006
Golden Rules In College: 1) Never make noise in class respect the fact that others are sleeping. 2) Keep the college clean so stay away. 3) Take some fruits for the animals in the staff room. 4) Always take books beacause you don't get a pillow to help yourself sleep well. 5) Never be early to class or else no one will notice you.
contributed by Siddhu
A HUSBAND's STORE
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit
the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh mercy me" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she
goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you
exit the building, and have a nice day!
Contributor : Abhijeeth Reddy
A Job Interview!
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does 'two plus two' equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What does two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - you give or take ten percent, its four on an average."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What does two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits close beside the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal ? !! "
by raghu at 10/17/2006
Health Is Wealth
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day, while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Why Do Boys Go To Temple?
Ans: ...because, a temple is the only place where you can find
Trupti and then Mukti
Mr.Intelligent was travelling in a local train.
TC: Ticket please..
Mr.Intelligent shows two tickets.
TC: One ticket for you and another one for...?
Mr.Intelligent: ...both are for me.
TC: Why did you purchase two tickets?
Mr.Intelligent: If i lost one, i will have the other.
TC: What If both the tickets are lost?
Mr.Intelligent: I am not a fool, I keep a pass with me!
What did the doctor say?
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife to his office.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will die. "Each morning, give him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch, provide him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare a special meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him.? "If you can do this for the next 10 months, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
by raghu at 10/01/2006
Girl Friend : Are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boy Friend : Damn Sure! I checked the whole list yesterday!
Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Nothing much dad. Just a RADIO with a sportscar around it!!
by raghu at 9/30/2006
~ "There is no wind in the ball" -- meaning : deflated ball
~ "Why aren't you kneel downing?" -- meaning : kneeling down
~ "One or one day, you will have in my hands" -- Someday, you will be punished[con-siddhu]
~ "Open the doors of the window"
~ A student asked a doubt to a lecturer. The latter replies ,"after, after" -- afterwards
~ "Don't talk like that in front of my back"
~ "Meet me behind the class"
~ "It's so hot. Please on the fan no"
by raghu at 9/30/2006
An MBA and a BE, go on a camping trip, set up their tent,and fall asleep. Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend. " look up at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" The MBA ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
"What does it tell you?", asks the MBA stud. The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Practically, someone has stolen our tent".
contributed by mahi
by raghu at 9/29/2006
Test Your Brain:
ALZHEIMERS’ EYE TEST
Count every " F " in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 — no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Go Back and Try to find the 6 F’s before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process “OF”. Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 “F’s” on the first go is a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare.
by raghu at 9/28/2006
After Paddy had jumped a red light and smashed into another car, he dashed over to the other vehicle to discover that the driver was a priest. "Good God, man," said the badly shaken priest, "you almost killed me!." "I am really sorry for that," said Paddy, taking a bottle from his pocket. "Drink some of this whiskey for your nerves," offered Paddy. The grateful priest gulped down some of the whiskey, and then started shouting again, "What do you think you were doing?" he asked. "I am lucky to be alive!." "Oh, Father," said, Paddy, "I am sorry. You will feel a lot better after you have drunk some more of this." The priest had a few more stiff shots and then asked, "Why don't you have a drink?" "I don't drink, thank you Father," said Paddy.
"I will just sit here and wait for the police."
by raghu at 9/27/2006
The Blood Test
A man goes to a dispensary and finds a person weeping. On asking as to what has happened the latter replies,"I had a blood test. Those rascals cut my finger." Another man rushes out of a room when the first party asks again, what was wrong. The person replies
" I had a Urine Test... "
Contributed by p.v.Krishnayya [respected lec.]
by raghu at 9/26/2006
by raghu at 9/25/2006
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
And then, Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally the Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have a vice- president "
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law!"
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done !
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive.
" Promise me that we are true friends? If you are Finger, I am Nail. If you are water, i am fish and if you are moon, i am a star.. if i am a tree, you are Monkey ...ok? Take care while Jumping!"
Mistakes -- "Mistakes are not crime, if you can rectify those mistakes they are the key to success. For example, God created you, so what!? He then created me!"
FRIENDSHIP GIFT -- This is a formal announcement, that i have started accepting friendship day gifts in cash, cheques, chocolates etc... Avoid last day rush. [br] Your's always [name]...
When i call u : 1 ring means i'm thinking of u ; 2 rings mean i like u ; 3 means i miss u ;4 means .........pick the phone idiot!
If ever in your life U R very sad & lonely & feel that U have lost every thing, I will come, Hold your hand, take U 4 a Walk on a Bridge & Show U where 2 jump From ...!
What do u call a woman in heaven? Ans : An Angel. A bunch of woman in heaven?Ans :A host of Angels. And all the women in heaven? Ans : PEACE ON EARTH!
A sardar to his gardener : [commanding] Go and water the garden.
Gardener : But sir, it's raining outside.
Sardar : Don't give excuses, take an umbrella and GO...!
It's a dead bird dude!
An englishman and Santa were walking on a street when the former exclaimed , "Look, a dead bird." Santa looked towards the sky and asked ,"where, where ?"
A sardar sits in a park who looks very sad.
"Whats the matter sardar", asked a groundsman.
Sardar : " I lent Rs.500000 to a friend for his plastic surgery.
Now I don’t know how he looks… "
What if Titanic [the movie] was made in India
1) There would have been 10 times as many as people who were on the ship 2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain 3) The movie would be called as "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya" 4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die in the first dip 5) The iceburg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson 6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees. 7) Lastly Half of the rescue boats would be reserve for SC/ST/OBC
contributed by nikki
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
This One Brings A Smile On Your Face
A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting Rs.50. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, INDIA, ...they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke. The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20. The President thought Rs50 would mean a lot to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid. The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a "thank you" note to God, which read:
"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan in New Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 in taxes !!!"
Contributed by Ezra Raj
I am a proud Indian
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Pakistani.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Pakistanis too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be peremptory, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not a Pakistani." replied Gita.
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gita as to why she is an Indian.
"Well", my mom and dad are Indians, "so I'm an Indian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?" A pause, and a smile.
"Then" says Gita, "I'd be a Paki."
Twitcher one liner
Teacher: Where does God live?
Little Raghu : I think he lives in my bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little Raghu : Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, ''God, are you still in there?''
Contributed by Ezra Raj
Downtown mules mayhem
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to the arguement and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed through a barnyard of goats, mules, pigs, the husband asked sarcastically :
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied., "In-Laws"
Banta : Why do you send the sms's twice?
Santa : Because, if you had want to forward it to someone then i hope you have the other one with you!
Too Many Characters
A Sardar returns book to a library, bangs it on table & says - What the hell ?
"I read the whole book, too many characters, no story at all?"
Librarian : OH ! So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory
The Height of Intelligence
A 99 year old Sardar going for " HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme!"
Teacher : Where were you born?
Raghu : Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Raghu : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.
Two Lovers plan to commit Suicide. Boy jumped first. Girl closes her eyes and says "Love is Blind" . The Boy in mid-air opened his parachute saying "Love never Dies "
Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: "Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the wall!
"Baaaaam!" They hit the wall.
The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You are good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered:
"IT WAS YOU WHO WAS DRIVING! "
A sardar pulls out all the 6 men from a burning house but was put in a cell. Why?
Ans : ...Because all of them were firemen!
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees due to an urgent problem. He dialed to the employee's home and was greeted by a child whispering,
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a kid the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk to him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?"
came the answer.
"May I talk to her?"
Again the small voice whispered,
The boss decided he would just leave a message to the person who should be there watching the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing very concerned especially as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?""A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"Honey, what is going on at your house?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed, whispering voice the child answered,
"Some men in a hello-copper just landed and are looking around."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they looking for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me"
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power at all our engines and will shortly crash in the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about the situation but were some what comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made anannoucement:
"Ladiesand Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.For all of the non-swimmers on the leftside of plane --- THANK YOU FOR FLYING THROUGH LUFTHANSA- "
Advani-ism : You have two cows. You dont milkthem, worship them.
Chandra Babu-ism: You have two cows inVijayawada. You took them to internet and milk them from Hyderabad.
Fernandes-ism : You have two cows. You keep them in your house and sleep outside.
Gandh-ism : You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.
Jayalalitha-ism : You have two cows. You teach them to cry, "Ammaaa..." and fall at your feet.
Karunanidhi-ism : You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew.
Morarji-ism : You have two cows. You don't drink their milk but only their urine.
Rajnikant-ism : You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch the milk by your mouth.
Rajneesh-ism : You have two cows. You engage 15-20girls to look after them and house them in anashram.
Thakrey-ism : You have two cows. You feed them only saffron flowers.
Vajpayee-ism : You have two cows. You distribute the milk among your partners and eat cattlefeed.And to International Politics...
George Bush-ism : You have as many cows as you like. You preach to others not to have any.
Clinton-ism : You have two cows. But you milk your neighbours' cows.
Musharraf-ism : Nawaz Sharif has two cows. Take over them.
Osama-ism : You have two cows. You convert them into biological weapons.
Taliban-ism : You have two cows. You put them in purdah.
UN-ism : You have two cows. You dont milk them, you only lecture to them.
Contributed by abhijeeth reddy
Who's Cleverer ?!
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you threewishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention the condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her,
"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flockto". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only on me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he willbe ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman inthe world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like amild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
.The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to showthat women never listen!Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.
Contributed by Ezra Raj
Welcome to hell
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
A slip of the tongue
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not - don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: ”Shit. “
"How many are there working at your office ?"
"About one third."
"How long have you been working at that office ?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
Stay! Stay! .,Waggle
Raghu: I bought a dog the other day.I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
A patient goes to the doctor, who diagnoses with the aid of a computer. After a long wait, the system comes up with:
"There's a lot of it about"
A rabbit repeatedly asks a shopkeeper ,"Do you have any carrots?"
The seller retorts "No"
It's become a habbit to come to the same shop regularly and ask ,"Do you have any carrots?" The seller [by now frustrated] says "If you ask the question again i will hammer you to wall with nails."
Early the next morning rabbit comes back and asks , " Got any nails?"
The seller answered, "No!"
The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies.
"I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
- Fraud with Innocent Boys
- Fun with Handsome Boys
- Friendship with Charmful Boys
- Contact with Intelligent Boys
- Love with Faithful Boys
- & in the end Marriage with a Rich Boy
Contributed by Siddhu
by raghu at 8/26/2006
A Painter's Perspective
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.
No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it!
The Four Dogs
Party1 : Your dogs are very cute. What are their names?
Sardar : Balvinder Singh, Sukhvinder Singh, Gurvinder Singh and Chitchor Singh.
Party1 : May i know your name?
Sardar : TOMMY !!
To the Sardar's dismay
A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and yet suffered a huge Loss. Do u know what the business was?
A) He opened a 'Hair Saloon' in Punjab!
A sardarji photographer was focusing on a dead body's face in a funeral function. Suddenly all of them started beating him. Why?
A) He said "SMILE PLEASE!"
A Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat and goes out, climbs a tree, sits on the branch. A man asks why does he do this.
A) Sardarji: "I've been promoted as a branch manager!"
Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light, with an open mouth ?
A) Because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light!"
A sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. Do you know Why?
A) Because he wanted to check from where the question papers leaked..!
Postman:- I had to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it !
A sardar was standing in front of a mirror with his eyes closed. When his wife asked "WHY", he said ,"I want to see how i look while i sleep!"
A Quality 'BLACK & WHITE' Poem
A Poem Written By An African Shakespeare
Dear White Fella,
Coupla things you should know
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black
You white fella
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
When you die, you gray
AND YOU HAVE THE CHEEK TO CALL ME COLORED!!!
The Three Sardars
Three sardars were in quest of a job. So they went to the ministry of agriculture and got some work. They started working in the fields, the next day. The first person was to dig the ground, the second - lay seeds and water, the third was to cover it with soil.
One day the second sardar was absent. Just imagine !
In a hotel, a man tastes the drink given by a waiter. The man asks,
" If this is Tea give me Coffee and if it is Coffee give me Tea "
Based on true life incident,
contributer : L.Murthy
Why Women Are Like Computers
1. No one really understands them.
2. All ur mistakes are stored in their memory.
3. You find yourself spending all your money on accessories for them !
Trying to fly
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell on the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate."Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
THE 'STORY' JOKE
This happens in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients always die in the same bed on every Sunday morning at 11 a.m, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural affair. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incident that happens frequently. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctor stand, nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see as to what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........ Just when the clock struck 11 DING DING ...and then......Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward unplugging the life support system, plugging in the vacuum cleaner !!
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it!
A sardarji went to a STD/ISD/PCO SHOP and slapped the operator twice.
Guess WHY ??
Because, there it was written "Number dial karne se pehele do lagae"
THE NEW VIRUS !
- Girlfriends are like net virus.
- They enter your life
- Scan your pockets
- Edit your mind
- Download problems & Delete your happiness...
Dil Chahta Hai
Dil chahta hai...
tum say milnay ko...
tumhain dekhnay ko...
magar kia karoon yeh stupid gate keeper kehta hai "aaj Zoo band hai "
Finish The Start
My therapist told me a way to achieve true inner peace, which is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Teacher: Why are you late, Raghu?
Raghu: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with you being late?
Raghu: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
Party1 - how old is ur son... the one living with you?
Party2 - Thirty or thirty two yrs.
Party1 - How long has he been living with you?
Party2 - forty five years
FOUR HIGHTECH SARDAR INVENTIONS :
- Waterproof towel
- Solar powered torch
- Book on how to read
- Pedal powered wheel chair
Teaching a Sardar
Teacher: Oxygen is very important 4 our survival.
It was discovered in 1773.
Sardar: Thank God..! I was born after that.
Girl : i love you.
Boy : i love you too.
Girl : Will you love the same way forever... even after our marriage?
Boy : Well, i would... only if your hubby doesn't mind !
Q. Tortoise and rabbit gave CET exam.
Tortoise got 80% and rabbit got81%.
Both wanted admission in VJTI, cut off being 85%.
Rabbit din't get but tortoise got ........How?
Ans : ....remember tortoise had won the race when you were in the first standard. So he got through in Sports Quota !!!
A boy was sitting in a well when his father asked as to what made him sit in a well.
The boy said ," Deep Thinking !! "
A Sardar was reading books on the top of the mountain.
His friend asked why he was standing on a mountain.
Sardar said : "Higher Studies !! "
A TIT BIT
Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.
Liz: I'm the examiner!
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
SHUT UP !!
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown.
One day the little baby tomato started lagging behind.
The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her,
squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
The Spy Dog
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.
All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks,
"What are you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Statistical One Liner
Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?
A: Ya. He now has zero degrees of freedom.
Old people used to annoy me at weddings by pinching my cheeks n saying
' u r next! '
They stopped saying this when i started doing the same at the funerals..!
contributed by siddhu.
How Careers End
Lawyers are disbarred.
Electricians are delighted.
Drunks are distilled.
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
Artists' models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Painters are discolored.
Judges are disappointed.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Application for jobs : Mistakes on Resume
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often.
I don't think they are mistakes..?
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence -- a life sentence.
Marriage is love. Love is blind.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
The New Deputy
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job."Okay," the sheriff drawled,
"Gomer, what is 1 and 1?""11" he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself."
Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?
"So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
>> What's the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?
One's an African lion, and the other's a lion African.
A policeman stops a car and asks the driver as to why he has exceeded the speed limits. The man says that he didn’t and that he had an automatic cruise control. His wife says, “Don’t be silly dear. The car has no cruise control.” The man frowns in anger, “Can’t you keep quiet?” The cop writes out a ticket and notices that the man hadn’t been wearing any Seat belt. When the cop asks as to why he wasn’t wearing it, the man says, “Well I was, but took it off when you stopped me..” “Now dear, you know very well that you never wear your seatbelt.” As the cop writes out a second ticket, the man shouts, “Shut up, you silly women.” The officer enquires, “Does your husband always shout like this?” “OH NO!” replies the women, “….Only when he’s been drinking.”
Decal on the door of a military base: "Freedom's Door Is Open to Everyone." Below it, another decal:
"Authorized Personnel Only!"
Oh! its the personnel fraternity
I thought I wanted a tattoo, so I had a friend come with me to the tattoo parlor. As I nervously paused outside the door, I noticed the T had slipped off their sign. Now it read "Creative ouch."
Every so often I'd challenge a father visiting his newborn in the nursery, where I was a nurse, to guess his baby's weight. Few even came close, but one dad picked up his son, hefted him in his hands, and gave me the precise weight, right down to the ounces. "That was amazing," I told him. "Not really," he replied. "I do this all the time. I'm a butcher."
Quest For Love
I wrote a paper for an English class, followed by a presentation comparing two novels -- one about a man seeking a wife, the other about four women looking for true love. While searching the Internet for clip art for my presentation, I typed in "love." The response: "Your search for love yielded no results."
You are better
I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. "I feel terrible," the woman apologized when I called. "I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot." "Please, don't worry," I said to her. "I'm sure our insurance companies will take care of everything." "Thank you for your understanding," she said. "You're so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out."
Pessimism and Optimism
The Pessimist : “It can’t get any worse than this.”
The optimist [ BRIGHTLY] : “Oh yes it can!”
How to ask your boss an increase in salary
Send a letter to him like this: Dear Bo$$, I am $ure you mu$t have under$tood the importance of money in a man'$ life. You $hould be under$tanding the need$ of your worker$ who have given you $upport and have done a lot of $ervice to your company. I hope you under$tand what i mean and act accordingly. Your reply awaited. Yours $incerely, xyz
The Bo$$ may reply like this: Dearest dear me, I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that your company isn't NOticeably well. NOw the newspaper says the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NO vember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You k NOw what I mean.