Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power at all our engines and will shortly crash in the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about the situation but were some what comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made anannoucement:
"Ladiesand Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.For all of the non-swimmers on the leftside of plane --- THANK YOU FOR FLYING THROUGH LUFTHANSA- "
Advani-ism : You have two cows. You dont milkthem, worship them.
Chandra Babu-ism: You have two cows inVijayawada. You took them to internet and milk them from Hyderabad.
Fernandes-ism : You have two cows. You keep them in your house and sleep outside.
Gandh-ism : You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.
Jayalalitha-ism : You have two cows. You teach them to cry, "Ammaaa..." and fall at your feet.
Karunanidhi-ism : You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew.
Morarji-ism : You have two cows. You don't drink their milk but only their urine.
Rajnikant-ism : You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch the milk by your mouth.
Rajneesh-ism : You have two cows. You engage 15-20girls to look after them and house them in anashram.
Thakrey-ism : You have two cows. You feed them only saffron flowers.
Vajpayee-ism : You have two cows. You distribute the milk among your partners and eat cattlefeed.And to International Politics...
George Bush-ism : You have as many cows as you like. You preach to others not to have any.
Clinton-ism : You have two cows. But you milk your neighbours' cows.
Musharraf-ism : Nawaz Sharif has two cows. Take over them.
Osama-ism : You have two cows. You convert them into biological weapons.
Taliban-ism : You have two cows. You put them in purdah.
UN-ism : You have two cows. You dont milk them, you only lecture to them.
Contributed by abhijeeth reddy
by raghu at 8/30/2006
Who's Cleverer ?!
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you threewishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention the condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her,
"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flockto". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only on me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he willbe ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman inthe world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like amild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
.The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to showthat women never listen!Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.
Contributed by Ezra Raj
by raghu at 8/30/2006
Welcome to hell
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
A slip of the tongue
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not - don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: ”Shit. “
"How many are there working at your office ?"
"About one third."
"How long have you been working at that office ?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
Stay! Stay! .,Waggle
Raghu: I bought a dog the other day.I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
A patient goes to the doctor, who diagnoses with the aid of a computer. After a long wait, the system comes up with:
"There's a lot of it about"
A rabbit repeatedly asks a shopkeeper ,"Do you have any carrots?"
The seller retorts "No"
It's become a habbit to come to the same shop regularly and ask ,"Do you have any carrots?" The seller [by now frustrated] says "If you ask the question again i will hammer you to wall with nails."
Early the next morning rabbit comes back and asks , " Got any nails?"
The seller answered, "No!"
The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies.
"I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
- Fraud with Innocent Boys
- Fun with Handsome Boys
- Friendship with Charmful Boys
- Contact with Intelligent Boys
- Love with Faithful Boys
- & in the end Marriage with a Rich Boy
Contributed by Siddhu
by raghu at 8/26/2006
A Painter's Perspective
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.
No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it!
The Four Dogs
Party1 : Your dogs are very cute. What are their names?
Sardar : Balvinder Singh, Sukhvinder Singh, Gurvinder Singh and Chitchor Singh.
Party1 : May i know your name?
Sardar : TOMMY !!
To the Sardar's dismay
A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and yet suffered a huge Loss. Do u know what the business was?
A) He opened a 'Hair Saloon' in Punjab!
A sardarji photographer was focusing on a dead body's face in a funeral function. Suddenly all of them started beating him. Why?
A) He said "SMILE PLEASE!"
A Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat and goes out, climbs a tree, sits on the branch. A man asks why does he do this.
A) Sardarji: "I've been promoted as a branch manager!"
Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light, with an open mouth ?
A) Because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light!"
A sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. Do you know Why?
A) Because he wanted to check from where the question papers leaked..!
Postman:- I had to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it !
A sardar was standing in front of a mirror with his eyes closed. When his wife asked "WHY", he said ,"I want to see how i look while i sleep!"
A Quality 'BLACK & WHITE' Poem
A Poem Written By An African Shakespeare
Dear White Fella,
Coupla things you should know
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black
You white fella
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
When you die, you gray
AND YOU HAVE THE CHEEK TO CALL ME COLORED!!!
The Three Sardars
Three sardars were in quest of a job. So they went to the ministry of agriculture and got some work. They started working in the fields, the next day. The first person was to dig the ground, the second - lay seeds and water, the third was to cover it with soil.
One day the second sardar was absent. Just imagine !
In a hotel, a man tastes the drink given by a waiter. The man asks,
" If this is Tea give me Coffee and if it is Coffee give me Tea "
Based on true life incident,
contributer : L.Murthy
Why Women Are Like Computers
1. No one really understands them.
2. All ur mistakes are stored in their memory.
3. You find yourself spending all your money on accessories for them !
Trying to fly
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell on the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate."Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
THE 'STORY' JOKE
This happens in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients always die in the same bed on every Sunday morning at 11 a.m, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural affair. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incident that happens frequently. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctor stand, nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see as to what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........ Just when the clock struck 11 DING DING ...and then......Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward unplugging the life support system, plugging in the vacuum cleaner !!
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it!
A sardarji went to a STD/ISD/PCO SHOP and slapped the operator twice.
Guess WHY ??
Because, there it was written "Number dial karne se pehele do lagae"
THE NEW VIRUS !
- Girlfriends are like net virus.
- They enter your life
- Scan your pockets
- Edit your mind
- Download problems & Delete your happiness...
Dil Chahta Hai
Dil chahta hai...
tum say milnay ko...
tumhain dekhnay ko...
magar kia karoon yeh stupid gate keeper kehta hai "aaj Zoo band hai "
Finish The Start
My therapist told me a way to achieve true inner peace, which is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Teacher: Why are you late, Raghu?
Raghu: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with you being late?
Raghu: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
Party1 - how old is ur son... the one living with you?
Party2 - Thirty or thirty two yrs.
Party1 - How long has he been living with you?
Party2 - forty five years
FOUR HIGHTECH SARDAR INVENTIONS :
- Waterproof towel
- Solar powered torch
- Book on how to read
- Pedal powered wheel chair
Teaching a Sardar
Teacher: Oxygen is very important 4 our survival.
It was discovered in 1773.
Sardar: Thank God..! I was born after that.
Girl : i love you.
Boy : i love you too.
Girl : Will you love the same way forever... even after our marriage?
Boy : Well, i would... only if your hubby doesn't mind !
Q. Tortoise and rabbit gave CET exam.
Tortoise got 80% and rabbit got81%.
Both wanted admission in VJTI, cut off being 85%.
Rabbit din't get but tortoise got ........How?
Ans : ....remember tortoise had won the race when you were in the first standard. So he got through in Sports Quota !!!
A boy was sitting in a well when his father asked as to what made him sit in a well.
The boy said ," Deep Thinking !! "
A Sardar was reading books on the top of the mountain.
His friend asked why he was standing on a mountain.
Sardar said : "Higher Studies !! "
A TIT BIT
Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.
Liz: I'm the examiner!
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
SHUT UP !!
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown.
One day the little baby tomato started lagging behind.
The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her,
squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
The Spy Dog
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.
All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks,
"What are you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Statistical One Liner
Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?
A: Ya. He now has zero degrees of freedom.
Old people used to annoy me at weddings by pinching my cheeks n saying
' u r next! '
They stopped saying this when i started doing the same at the funerals..!
contributed by siddhu.
How Careers End
Lawyers are disbarred.
Electricians are delighted.
Drunks are distilled.
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
Artists' models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Painters are discolored.
Judges are disappointed.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Application for jobs : Mistakes on Resume
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often.
I don't think they are mistakes..?
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence -- a life sentence.
Marriage is love. Love is blind.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
The New Deputy
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job."Okay," the sheriff drawled,
"Gomer, what is 1 and 1?""11" he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself."
Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?
"So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
>> What's the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?
One's an African lion, and the other's a lion African.
A policeman stops a car and asks the driver as to why he has exceeded the speed limits. The man says that he didn’t and that he had an automatic cruise control. His wife says, “Don’t be silly dear. The car has no cruise control.” The man frowns in anger, “Can’t you keep quiet?” The cop writes out a ticket and notices that the man hadn’t been wearing any Seat belt. When the cop asks as to why he wasn’t wearing it, the man says, “Well I was, but took it off when you stopped me..” “Now dear, you know very well that you never wear your seatbelt.” As the cop writes out a second ticket, the man shouts, “Shut up, you silly women.” The officer enquires, “Does your husband always shout like this?” “OH NO!” replies the women, “….Only when he’s been drinking.”
Decal on the door of a military base: "Freedom's Door Is Open to Everyone." Below it, another decal:
"Authorized Personnel Only!"
Oh! its the personnel fraternity
I thought I wanted a tattoo, so I had a friend come with me to the tattoo parlor. As I nervously paused outside the door, I noticed the T had slipped off their sign. Now it read "Creative ouch."
Every so often I'd challenge a father visiting his newborn in the nursery, where I was a nurse, to guess his baby's weight. Few even came close, but one dad picked up his son, hefted him in his hands, and gave me the precise weight, right down to the ounces. "That was amazing," I told him. "Not really," he replied. "I do this all the time. I'm a butcher."
Quest For Love
I wrote a paper for an English class, followed by a presentation comparing two novels -- one about a man seeking a wife, the other about four women looking for true love. While searching the Internet for clip art for my presentation, I typed in "love." The response: "Your search for love yielded no results."
You are better
I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. "I feel terrible," the woman apologized when I called. "I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot." "Please, don't worry," I said to her. "I'm sure our insurance companies will take care of everything." "Thank you for your understanding," she said. "You're so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out."
Pessimism and Optimism
The Pessimist : “It can’t get any worse than this.”
The optimist [ BRIGHTLY] : “Oh yes it can!”
How to ask your boss an increase in salary
Send a letter to him like this: Dear Bo$$, I am $ure you mu$t have under$tood the importance of money in a man'$ life. You $hould be under$tanding the need$ of your worker$ who have given you $upport and have done a lot of $ervice to your company. I hope you under$tand what i mean and act accordingly. Your reply awaited. Yours $incerely, xyz
The Bo$$ may reply like this: Dearest dear me, I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that your company isn't NOticeably well. NOw the newspaper says the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NO vember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You k NOw what I mean.