Girl Friend : Are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boy Friend : Damn Sure! I checked the whole list yesterday!
Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Nothing much dad. Just a RADIO with a sportscar around it!!
~ "There is no wind in the ball" -- meaning : deflated ball
~ "Why aren't you kneel downing?" -- meaning : kneeling down
~ "One or one day, you will have in my hands" -- Someday, you will be punished[con-siddhu]
~ "Open the doors of the window"
~ A student asked a doubt to a lecturer. The latter replies ,"after, after" -- afterwards
~ "Don't talk like that in front of my back"
~ "Meet me behind the class"
~ "It's so hot. Please on the fan no"
by raghu at 9/30/2006
An MBA and a BE, go on a camping trip, set up their tent,and fall asleep. Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend. " look up at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" The MBA ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
"What does it tell you?", asks the MBA stud. The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Practically, someone has stolen our tent".
contributed by mahi
by raghu at 9/29/2006
Test Your Brain:
ALZHEIMERS’ EYE TEST
Count every " F " in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 — no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Go Back and Try to find the 6 F’s before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process “OF”. Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 “F’s” on the first go is a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare.
by raghu at 9/28/2006
After Paddy had jumped a red light and smashed into another car, he dashed over to the other vehicle to discover that the driver was a priest. "Good God, man," said the badly shaken priest, "you almost killed me!." "I am really sorry for that," said Paddy, taking a bottle from his pocket. "Drink some of this whiskey for your nerves," offered Paddy. The grateful priest gulped down some of the whiskey, and then started shouting again, "What do you think you were doing?" he asked. "I am lucky to be alive!." "Oh, Father," said, Paddy, "I am sorry. You will feel a lot better after you have drunk some more of this." The priest had a few more stiff shots and then asked, "Why don't you have a drink?" "I don't drink, thank you Father," said Paddy.
"I will just sit here and wait for the police."
by raghu at 9/27/2006
The Blood Test
A man goes to a dispensary and finds a person weeping. On asking as to what has happened the latter replies,"I had a blood test. Those rascals cut my finger." Another man rushes out of a room when the first party asks again, what was wrong. The person replies
" I had a Urine Test... "
Contributed by p.v.Krishnayya [respected lec.]
by raghu at 9/26/2006
by raghu at 9/25/2006
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
And then, Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally the Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have a vice- president "
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law!"
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done !
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive.
" Promise me that we are true friends? If you are Finger, I am Nail. If you are water, i am fish and if you are moon, i am a star.. if i am a tree, you are Monkey ...ok? Take care while Jumping!"
Mistakes -- "Mistakes are not crime, if you can rectify those mistakes they are the key to success. For example, God created you, so what!? He then created me!"
FRIENDSHIP GIFT -- This is a formal announcement, that i have started accepting friendship day gifts in cash, cheques, chocolates etc... Avoid last day rush. [br] Your's always [name]...
When i call u : 1 ring means i'm thinking of u ; 2 rings mean i like u ; 3 means i miss u ;4 means .........pick the phone idiot!
If ever in your life U R very sad & lonely & feel that U have lost every thing, I will come, Hold your hand, take U 4 a Walk on a Bridge & Show U where 2 jump From ...!
What do u call a woman in heaven? Ans : An Angel. A bunch of woman in heaven?Ans :A host of Angels. And all the women in heaven? Ans : PEACE ON EARTH!
A sardar to his gardener : [commanding] Go and water the garden.
Gardener : But sir, it's raining outside.
Sardar : Don't give excuses, take an umbrella and GO...!
It's a dead bird dude!
An englishman and Santa were walking on a street when the former exclaimed , "Look, a dead bird." Santa looked towards the sky and asked ,"where, where ?"
A sardar sits in a park who looks very sad.
"Whats the matter sardar", asked a groundsman.
Sardar : " I lent Rs.500000 to a friend for his plastic surgery.
Now I don’t know how he looks… "
What if Titanic [the movie] was made in India
1) There would have been 10 times as many as people who were on the ship 2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain 3) The movie would be called as "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya" 4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die in the first dip 5) The iceburg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson 6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees. 7) Lastly Half of the rescue boats would be reserve for SC/ST/OBC
contributed by nikki
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
This One Brings A Smile On Your Face
A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting Rs.50. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, INDIA, ...they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke. The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20. The President thought Rs50 would mean a lot to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid. The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a "thank you" note to God, which read:
"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan in New Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 in taxes !!!"
Contributed by Ezra Raj
I am a proud Indian
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Pakistani.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Pakistanis too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be peremptory, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not a Pakistani." replied Gita.
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gita as to why she is an Indian.
"Well", my mom and dad are Indians, "so I'm an Indian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?" A pause, and a smile.
"Then" says Gita, "I'd be a Paki."
Twitcher one liner
Teacher: Where does God live?
Little Raghu : I think he lives in my bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little Raghu : Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, ''God, are you still in there?''
Contributed by Ezra Raj
Downtown mules mayhem
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to the arguement and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed through a barnyard of goats, mules, pigs, the husband asked sarcastically :
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied., "In-Laws"
Banta : Why do you send the sms's twice?
Santa : Because, if you had want to forward it to someone then i hope you have the other one with you!
Too Many Characters
A Sardar returns book to a library, bangs it on table & says - What the hell ?
"I read the whole book, too many characters, no story at all?"
Librarian : OH ! So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory
The Height of Intelligence
A 99 year old Sardar going for " HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme!"
Teacher : Where were you born?
Raghu : Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Raghu : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.
Two Lovers plan to commit Suicide. Boy jumped first. Girl closes her eyes and says "Love is Blind" . The Boy in mid-air opened his parachute saying "Love never Dies "
Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: "Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the wall!
"Baaaaam!" They hit the wall.
The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You are good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered:
"IT WAS YOU WHO WAS DRIVING! "
A sardar pulls out all the 6 men from a burning house but was put in a cell. Why?
Ans : ...Because all of them were firemen!
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees due to an urgent problem. He dialed to the employee's home and was greeted by a child whispering,
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a kid the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk to him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?"
came the answer.
"May I talk to her?"
Again the small voice whispered,
The boss decided he would just leave a message to the person who should be there watching the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing very concerned especially as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?""A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"Honey, what is going on at your house?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed, whispering voice the child answered,
"Some men in a hello-copper just landed and are looking around."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they looking for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me"